School started last week and, as seems to happen, it was not the only activity gearing up in earnest. Suddenly I, who have no school-age children, found mysef inundated and I hit a wall, the there-are-not-enough-hours-in-the-day wall. It is a particularly interesting wall to run into because it is not real, it is a myth, or a mental model, and yet if you allow yourself to fall prey to its seductive hold on your mind, you can run right smack into it with full force. Hitting that wall hurts. It takes a hard toll not only on your mind, but your body as well.
Even though I was well aware that the beginning of school brought with it other changes, that the freewheeling, empty-agenda days of summer were coming to a close, I still experienced a certain mental disconnect. I let my priorities slip, and I let the outside world tell me what was important. And that is the thing about time; it is really rather fluid, and we humans are just tiny specs in the greater scheme of things. We can allow ourselves to be overtaken by outside pressures and committments. We can fall prey to the myth, the there-is-not-enough-time-in-the-day myth. But usually we are wrong. Everything is a matter of choices and priorities, of listening to what is important, of honoring your gifts. The simple truth is that we all too often let the world tell us what we are supposed to believe, tell us what we are supposed to accomplish, tell us what is important, and then we chafe at this, avoid responsibility and shut a part of ourselves down. We tell ourselves that our "me time" is a separate entity that must be guarded, separate from the driving forces of life. Thus begins a struggle that eats away our time and our souls. The simple truth is that we can live our lives around what is precious, or we can let external forces drive us. Yes, there must be some balance. Yes we must live in the world. But here's the thing: there are differences in motivitaion, in the "why" of what we do, and that in turn affects how we live our lives and, over time, who we are.
My problem wasn't really with the why. Nor was it a problem of taking on too much. More exactly, I fell prey to another dangerous myth, a myth that is instrumental in feeding the big "not enough time" myth. I fell prey to the "not good enough" myth. The problem with feeling like you are not enough, is that it is a self-perpetuating myth, and it pits you against time and the world, it pits you against death. Because the world is big and overpowering and in many ways it can convince you that you don't matter and your efforts are worthless, that you are but a tiny spec of sand to be washed away in the tide. But it isn't true. Our lives are not lived on a global stage. Our lives are lived on a much smaller stage, the stage of the personal, and it is on this stage that our true value lies. We can be swept away in the tide, or we can stand for truth. We can let the world beat us down, or we can let our gifts flourish. We can be washed out in the tide, or we can hold our ground. We have a choice. We can be a grain of sand tossed about by life, or we can be a small barnacle on clinging steadfastly to our own place. Yes we may occasionally knocked off our perch, but we can find a new rock and re-anchor ourselves. It is that steadfast attention to truth, to our own gifts, that brings us peace. By clinging to our own rock, our own truth, we eventually find shelter and we find true community. By clinging to our truth we find a haven that can withstand the tides.
