This is the first day since I've been in the new house that I have accomplished absolutely nothing. Not.A.Single.Thing. Frankly, I am not expecting a big turnaround in productivity now either, although I am going to get this post written. I'm not expecting much.
I had big plans this morning, and then things just went a little haywire. And then we took a walk, G, his aide and I to the end of the street, and I continued on to make a loop about half-way out of my neighborhood and back, about 1 mile total. Not a level mile mind you, it is all up and down my neighborhood, from the top of my hill to the next and so forth. Most of my neighbors tell me they won't do it. They drive two miles to a nice level walking trail. But I did it for the first time this morning. And I just did it again this afternoon.
I feel good but tired. And old. I've been feeling old a lot lately and today in particular. It probably has a lot to do with a month of persistent back pain and the things you don't see in the dead frontal views I am likely to post on this blog when I post photos. The fact is that I pretty much always stand tilted forward now, and have for a few years probably, but it didn't used to be the case. And this affects so many things both physical and mental. It causes stresses on muscles and joints, my knees and my hips, and yes is the primary cause of my back pain. It also strains my view of myself because there are days when not only am I in physical pain, but I also feel old and deformed. It is not pretty. And it is these days that I need to pay even more attention to getting my hair right, to finding an outfit that I feel attractive in, regardless of whether it truly improves anything or not, when I need to spend time fretting over the things I can control in life, like eating well and yes, trying to get some exercise as soon as I can manage it. But those two walks may have taken everything out of me today, that and the thought that G has been particularly restless and I am not looking forward to an easy weekend.
I have no regrets about the surgery I had at 15. My scoliosis was bad, and there was no question that I needed surgery. My results were good, and frankly I've had fewer probelms than most. I am grateful for what modern medicine has done for me. But it is time to push forward. I probably can't make myself stand up straight again, as that seems to be beyond my immediate control and apparently a known problem caused by the particular type of surgery I had. But perhaps I can buy some time. Perhaps I can get stronger and control my pain.
Look. I did accomplish something. I walked. I cooked. I made phone calls, unresolved phone calls, but phone calls nonetheless. I looked up a bunch of articles on medical journals and through the Scoliosis Research Foundation. That did not make me happy. So now it is time to just rest and read. I think I will curl up on the sofa and read the new issue of The Gentlewoman which just arrived today.
Maybe later I'll iron or knit. Perhaps I'll hook up the grill, which also just arrived. And I just remembered what I planned on writing about today. Now that I think about it the day looks brighter already.
