I have been occupying myself with various small tasks, most of which are routine and mundane, but somehow take twice as long as they did when I was up and about more. One of those projects has been to start slowly sorting through my closet, examining both the things I brought with me from New York but haven't worn and the things I have been wearing but which may or may not fit now: physically, mentally, emotionally, in short questioning how the things in that closet relate to the person I am now, recognizing that clothing and style is completely frivolous, and yet also completely necessary for a species that cannot exist with protective cover. It is a very slow process in the best of times, more so when one can only stand in 3 minute increments. There have admittedly been some incoming items as well, things needed to fill basic gaps, plus a few extras. The problem with being flat on your back with nothing to do is that the internet is filled with temptations, and it is hard to limit one's looking to only the necessities. Luckily I am not generally given to perusing the shopping sites, and after a short spree, that habit has been contained.
For example, I knew I needed new black sandals; my everyday pair is three years old and unfortunately shows considerable wear and abuse, and that is not even considering the fact that the sole is broken down to the point that my back hurts every time I walk in them for more than 10 feet. The intention had been to replace them last year, but the shoes I wanted, a particular style of Mephistos, were already sold out in my far too popular size by the time I started looking in June. So I started early, at least for me, considering it was still too cold to actually wear sandals in early April, and I got a pair of shoes I love and can wear comfortably.
But of course, having time and a computer in my hand, I did not resist the urge to peruse Zappos' other offerings. After-all online shopping is easier than going to a store, although also more prone to disappointment, and shoes are the easiest things to try on when you are mostly flat on your back. So I succumbed to the siren call of this particular pair of Tsubos.
They have several advantages, the first being that they are flat, and it has been so long since I've worn a pair of heels that I wonder if I will ever return to wearing them. The boxes of heels in the back of my closet will probably be the last thing I sort through as I finish this process of transitioning from my old life and rediscovering who I am now.
They are also gray, which is much more wearable than black, at least in terms of my wardrobe. The actual gray of the sandals is much as it is shown here, although the turquoise is a bit more muted and not as shiny as it appears in this photo, taken from the Zappos website. Generally, muted is good and shiny not so good when it comes to my wardrobe, although a few too bright and too shiny things have managed to slip in. I don't generally worry as long as all of the clothes in my closet play well together and nothing starts to take on the role of a diva, refusing to work with anything else.
I am also rather partial the thick white soles which gives them a bit of a sporty edge which is fashionable now, and adds a bit of visual weight, perhaps even a bit of nerdishness to them, although perhaps that is just my interpretation. In my mind at least, nerdy-sporty is something of a good thing. especially when I can feel nerdy-sporty and perhaps even fashionable, while my feet are comfortable as well. If they aren't nerdy-sporty, or even fashionable, there is no reason to tell me, fashion is all a state of mind anyway, and my mind is is made up. Anyway they go with a lot of things in my wardrobe and seem to feel just right with the things I want to wear now.
Unfortunately that nerdy-sporty magic does not work with everything. The other day I tried wearing them with a light gray pair of jeans from Chicos that I got about 4 years ago. I think they were from the Platinum Denim line. I seem to recall that although they were called a "slim jean", they were never all that slim on my legs. The fit were more like a straight-leg, perhaps on the slim side, and certainly slimmer than the current crop of slim boyfriend jeans. I thought they looked good with heels and a loose sweater or layering, and they may well have. But that is not the look I am going for right now, and even if they did look good 4 years ago, they are definitely loose in the legs in a not so flattering way now, and also too loose through the waist, although they oddly fit pretty well through the hips.
It occurs to me that I could think of myself as having slim legs. To bad they're not slim enough to fit into a lot of pairs of boots, but that is another issue. They are at least slimmer than other parts of me, and that is good. The idea of thinking of myself as slim-legged is appealing. Four years ago I probably thought of myself as "fat-assed" which is much more self-destructive frame of reference. It may in fact be true, as my mother always told me I inherited the "Fehrenbach bubble butt", but (look a double but - nerdishiness is everywhere!) true or not, I am not extremely out of proportion, and my body functions as it should, for the most part, with the exception of this current hopefully brief interlude. The truth is that with age the bubble has deflated somewhat, and I never was and never will be dainty so what is the point of putting oneself down? I come from a long line of sturdy, bubble-butted Germans, and without them I would not be who I am or where I am today. My hips and my legs have served me well in my life so far, and I see no reason to give them a hard time, hoping as I do, that they will see me through many more miles.
As for the Chicos jeans, I feel no such obligation. Their time has come. They may in fact look good with my gray ankle boots, which unfortunately have heels, so at this point even their fate remains uncertain. But even if my heel-wearing days are not at an end, it seems likely that the gray jeans are destined to become a one-outfit diva: a garment of clothing that is so demanding that nothing ever lives up to its requirements, destined only to be worn out once in a blue moon when the weather and the right conditions all align in perfect harmony. Therefore there is no room for them in my life. I do belive that, should I feel the need for gray jeans, and the thought is tempting, that there exists** in the world a pair of jeans that will both flatter and play well with the other occupants of my closet.
And this it seems is the problem with holding on to things "just in case". Just in case never seem to actually happen. This is especially true when the items in question are clothes and the just in case is loosing weight or gaining weight or whatever. Styles change, times changes, how we feel about our place in the world and how we want to dress changes, or at least it should change just as we as individuals should keep growing and changing throughout our lives.
Now, I wasn't actually intending to save those jeans for "someday". The year before I moved to Tennessee was a rough year and my weight went down and up and down again that year, just as my stress levels went up and down and up again as well. I managed to sort through furniture and books and decades of accumulated stuff in our old house. But I couldn't sort through my closet because I was tired and overwhelmed and didn't know what my new life would bring. So I just brought everything with me, hoping it would sort itself out. Then the roller-coaster started up again and I threw everything into the master bedroom closet only to end up moving to the guest room and then upstairs before I ever had time to get settled anywhere. And the closet sat, pretty much ignored, until now.
In three years a lot has changed. In three years a lot should change. We humans aren't static. I'd long ago decided that there was no point in saving things up for "special". Everyday is special. Use what you have. Love what you use. Treasure every moment. And don't let yourself get dragged down by ugly pants.
** or shall exist for if they do not exist now, I shall make them.
photos from Zappos.com