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September 25, 2010

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Caretaking, the kind you're doing, is so demanding in more ways than people realize. I totally understand the pull of quiet time vs. sleep.

Oh, sweet you, I am so sorry. I am sorry that it has been a hard time and that you and G haven't been sleeping well. I am happy to hear that there is space when you feel like yourself. It is lovely to hear that you have space for books, movies, dreams, goals, and more sleep. Did you get Three Dog on my recommendation? Ugh, I am sorry if it feels to hard. I cried a lot when I read it and yet I found a kind of peace and calm and hope in the book too.I hope you find that.

I have a friend who is a environmental psych teacher and she is having her students keep a night time journal. She is asking them to go out and be in the night sky. She also recommends this book.Let There Be Night: Testimony on Behalf of the Dark. I guess what I am saying is that I am starting to wonder if when I have insomnia if I am not craving something specific about the night time. Maybe my psyche needs more dark and less night. I don't know, this is me just thinking aloud.
p.s. I enjoy Legaly Blond too( secret pleasure)

Even though my guy is still v. healthy, mentally and physically, and even though he's a huge support every day, cooking, getting groceries, cleaning, transporting, having him home full-time since his retirement after years and years of spending our weeks cities apart is sometimes tough for me. I'm adjusting, learning to find ways to set boundaries for personal time and space (my issue, not his as he's not needy or demanding at all), but this weekend I decided to stay home rather than accompany him to the city, and I'm luxuriating in having the house to myself. Luxuriating, I tell you! So I can't imagine how you manage what you have to manage -- especially since it's got to be accompanied by such a sense of loss and then perhaps guilt (not that you should feel the latter, just that I suspect you do). That G was so high-functioning previously, and still shows regular vestiges of that -- his artist's eye, his appreciation of music, his attempts at articulating his own frustration and vulnerability about your relationship -- would make it difficult to move to respite care. But this might be what you need to do in order to sustain the support you want to keep giving him.
You have both my admiration and my sympathy. . .

I've been wondering how things are going since your last post in which you described G's new symptoms... It's so hard to be a caretaker. Especially with no end in sight. I hope that you can find a good support service to give you more time to yourself. This is your life too and you deserve to feel rested and fulfilled.

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